Since then I've tried really hard to learn the basics of such an advanced device. I have absolutely no formal training. Most of the time I feel like I've been put in a maze blindfolded and told to find my way out. Yet somehow, the Lord has really blessed my bumbling, fumbling efforts.
One such blessing came last week when I was able to use my bumbling, fumbling semi-talent to do family Christmas portraits for some of the women who are clients at Crossway Pregnancy Resource Center in Radcliff.
I had a blast getting to meet some of the moms and dads, and of course interacting with the children. Some of their stories broke my heart, and some were inspiring. At the end of the day I was happy with how things had gone but I also realized that what I had done had vast amounts of spiritual significance for myself.
About a month or so ago the Lord revealed to me that I am not as compassionate as I think I am. Truth be told, I have compassion for homeless people because I have a home. I can be compassionate and send money to Mukti because I have the money to send.
You see I realized that for me compassion has really become about the has and the has-nots. This is not true compassion, is it?
And this brings me back to the topic at hand. Dusty and I are not actively trying to have children, but we've been told by medical "authorities" that it will be difficult. (That is a whole 'nuther topic for a whole 'nuther day. God can do anything, things happen for a reason, blah, blah, blah. I know these things.) I have another set of dear, dear friends who are trying to conceive and are having a hell of a time. In my head, I've categorized myself as a "has-not" when it comes to having a family of my own. This begs the questions: "Who are the 'has?'"
The "has" in this area is the single mom with four children by four different dads. The "has" in this area is the woman who opted for abortion, thinking that would make her problem go away, not thinking how many women have tried for years to get pregnant with no results. And this is who I'm supposed to have compassion for? Me, the girl who has been told by her doctor that having children is going to be hard, perhaps even impossible? I'm probably going to sound like a terrible person, but that is a hard truth for me.
The difference is, I know I have this issue. I know my heart's position is not in line with the Lord's. And I want to change it.
If the formula for compassion is that the "has" take pity on the "has-nots" then being compassionate like Jesus was would be pretty easy. In fact we probably wouldn't have to rely on him at all.
But Jesus told us to love like he did and his love was equal. It knew no category and didn't care if you had a carefully planned out family or three kids and another on the way while being unemployed living off welfare.
And if it didn't matter to Jesus, logically, it should not matter for me, even when it comes to the areas that keep me up at night, that make my heart ache.
I had been praying for the Lord to begin changing my heart about this issue and not long after was asked to do these family photographs. And the indicator to me that mine is not a hopeless, unchangeable heart is that I was incredibly excited to get this opportunity. Now, I'm planning to attend the volunteer training meeting next month and to become active in ministering to the ladies who are clients there.
I feel like the guy in the Bible who said, "I believe; help me with my unbelief!" Lord, I have compassion; help me in my un-compassion!"