Dear Girl With Neon Orange Eye Shadow:
I'm sorry I took your salad without your consent. Your parents said you were finished. I should have waited until you came back from the bathroom. Nonetheless, you could have been nicer about the whole situation. And yes, I heard you as you walked out. You weren't the most pleasant customer in the world either. In fact, you are categorically the rudest person I've ever had to deal with, so let's call it even shall we?
Dear Lady Whose Husband Was Nice But You Were Not:
What's your deal? I mean really, your husband was incredibly nice. You, on the other hand, were ice cold. I was friendly and polite, and I'm sorry I couldn't hear you. Ever heard of enunciation? It's this thing we do when we want people to understand us. Maybe next time you should heed the words of my father: Scratch your butt and get glad! That's what he used to tell me when I was a little girl. You're about 40, so I shouldn't have to be telling you this.
Dear People Who Sat In Smoking Section:
Thank you for being so nice. You were the bright spot in my whole night. You left a great tip and were very courteous. I would wait on you every day if I could. Gold star!